Lonely and Overwhelmed
I am overwhelmed with grief and the night stretches endless.
Incessant beeping and the squeak of Nikes and Crocs break the silence where I sit. Darkness is broken only by the glow of iridescent lights- an eerie collection of equipment which follows each breath and heart beat of my child.
Silent. Waiting.
Praying. Crying.
Morning breaks and a shift changes. New nurses tend to my child. Most are kind, but their gaze seems not to meet mine. They acknowledge my presence quietly but not much else.
Perhaps they have seen too much during a life time of care giving. I wonder if they are jaded. Eyes seem not to meet mine. Maybe I am mistaken, but I wonder if they know something I don’t know.
A hint of light peeks through closed blinds which try to shield my child from the glare of a new day. Time stands still in this place.
Wishing I was not living the nightmare I am suspended in. I am afraid. I try not to be- but I am.
Loneliness follows fear. Tears silently run down my face as I pray for my child who is surrounded by a myriad of sterile hospital trappings. More tears.
The door creaks open, this time it is cleaning staff. Like the others, she too nods and quietly greets me, asking through broken English if she may clean the room that holds the broken body of my child. I say yes. Could I have said no? Her presence feels like an intrusion and I try to make myself invisible and small.
She sees my steady silent steady river of tears. Barely touching my shoulder she speaks, “I am sorry, you must be afraid.”
Yes. I am. More tears.
Before she silentlycloses the door, she pauses and whispers, I will pray. Touched, my heart folds itself together for this brief slice of today and because of her words, I can take another breath.
My faith is messy and more tears trickle from my soul- but for this moment I am not alone.
Amazing story Nancy. So sorry you had to go through that…praying for your family. Thanks for the beautiful, raw thoughts…I was so moved.
Thankful for the touch upon your heart… your prayers are treasured in a great way. Blessings upon you as you walk your steps this day!
Oh Nancy, what a grace that God sent you the cleaning staff to touch you at that moment. I am praying for you tonight. Thank you for writing this post and sharing this with the FMF community. I’m glad I stopped by so that God could touch my heart through you. God bless you and bring healing to your family–physical, emotional, spiritual, relational–as you live out this chapter of your life.
Nancy,
Yes, when you are waiting in a hospital it does seem like eyes don’t meet your eyes, except of course for the ones God whispers to. When Jessica was in the hospital in Germany her stay was two months. I had to wait till she was the equivalent of 6 pounds before she could come home. The nurses were german so there was no verbal comfort, so God let their eyes convey their care. And they did. God’s ways are never thwarted. Never.
Beautiful piece Nancy.
Nancy, I read your daughters story. A happy ending and God is amazing. That must have been really scary. Did you read Helen’s story? In our loneliness we learn. Patricia
http://wp.me/p3okvN-jP
Amazing imagery here. What a scary time. I am not sure if you are still walking through this or not…so if you are – praying for your daughters healing!
Kristin – Thank you for prayers.. her stroke was May 2012.. .she is still walking through recovery even now… God has been amazing in the midst of the hardest of moments and continues to do so each step of the way. You can read more of her story here.
http://www.simplyabundantlife.com/earthquake-in-may
Blessings-
Nancy 🙂